One of my main worries about moving to Portugal is making friends…as I’m not very good at it. Well it’s not so much making friends as it is actually putting myself out there to meet people to make friends with in the first place.
You see I’m naturally introverted. And it’s a secret.
My former work colleagues (and close friends) would describe me as outgoing, talkative, even loud on occasions…..which I am…around them. At work I was a people manager, a good people manager. I could present to 150+ staff without blinking an eye and I could influence and/or cajole people to do just about anything (work related 
). I was in my element with people I knew.
And there is the key: people I knew. Take me away from that situation and I become quiet and introverted……potentially a problem if I don’t want to become isolated in Portugal.
So I need to step out of my comfort zone. I’m not sure how yet, it’s something I’m working on, but I do know that I need to do it.
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When I think about it I’ve spent most of my life in a comfort zone. Not all of it, just in the main (there were a few weeks back in 1985 when I had a wild moment!). And it’s not just about meeting people, it’s in a lot of ways. And this has led me to make a list. A list of things that I find difficult, or are out of my comfort zone;
- Writing. Ha! I know I write a blog but writing fills me with fear.
- Cooking for people (outside of my family)
- Going to a restaurant/the movies on my own
- Decorating outside of creams and browns. I love, love, love home design and yet I always play safe. Moving abroad will see these colours ditched. Yikes!
- Speaking in a foreign language (best get over that one!)
Let me know: what would be on your list?
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi! First time commenter (I think) who find you via minimalism blogs, but am loving the Portugal angle as I’m a fellow expat here. Forgive me if this is wordy, but I feel very strongly about the topic of friend-making in Portugal.
This is the third foreign country I’ve lived in–the first as a student in uni in Spain, the second as a fresh-out-of-college English teacher in Japan and now as a mom/wife in my husband’s homeland. All three times, I’ve found making friends with fellow expats extremely easy…you have stuff in common built in.
You’ve probably been warned or discovered already, however, that making friends with actual Portuguese people is not an easy feat. I’m not sure how much experience you have interacting here, but they are an incredibly tough culture to penetrate…infact if it weren’t for my husband’s friends/in-laws allowing me an inside glimpse into what they are *really* like, I think I would’ve been so disillusioned from the start that I would’ve given up on trying to make Portuguese friends all together. My husband was really shocked–he moved to the US at 25 and returned a decade later giving him an outsider’s view.
The thing that I’ve found is that, once you’re in, you’re waaaaaaaaaay in, like maybe too much in, but getting there takes a whole lotta’ time. In fact, I think that once you’ve been let into the coveted inner circle, you tend to forget how hard and annoying it was to get there. Adding to the frustration, Portuguese are constantly saying stuff along the lines of, “We are warm, welcoming, friendly people.” It is true, but it is definitely NOT true until you’ve spent a ton of time gaining their…I don’t know what…trust, respect, something.
I have no idea why it’s like this–I think because most people live in the same city/neighborhood/apartment building their entire life and have all their family nearby they don’t have a lot of need or opportunity to meet new people. We’re in Lisbon now, but moving to the Algarve this summer, and I know that there will be plenty of fellow foreigners down there, so I’m not worried about total isolation, but I doubt that without having an “in” with any locals–we’ve no family or friends down there at all–I’ll ever make any non-co-worker Portuguese friends down there simply because I just don’t think I have the patience to go through the initiation process again!
(I now realize this all sounds very overly generalized and stereotypical…these are only my personal experiences.)
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Laura Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 11:32 am
Sarah: Thanks for your insight. It really does help to hear from other people living in Portugal.
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It’s funny Laura, but I’ve met more introverts through blogging than I ever thought existed! It seems we do better with writing than talking:) I face the same situation moving to PEI but Michael is such an extrovert that we’ve met many people already. There has also been a facebook group formed called IBC Alliance (Islanders by Choice) to welcome newcomers to the island as some folks have found it hard to meet people and make friends. There have been over 450 people join so far and they’ve held meet and greets, created book clubs, gardening clubs etc. I am wondering if there is anything that welcomes newcomers to Portugal?
Will you be living in an urban or rural area?
Very interesting topic!
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Laura Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 11:34 am
Jane: the plan is urban (Lisbon) to start with but we’re playing it by ear. My husband is far more outgoing than I am and also has a much better command of Portuguese..for now. There will be expat stuff, which I haven’t looked into yet.
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thought provoking post. It is my belief that going out of your comfort zone is where life gets interesting, you will feel more alive than you have ever felt and it will be ups and downs but you will be really really LIVING. Everyone has comfort zones, and like you at work in some areas we can even make out that we are always out there. I used to act on stage, but its easy when you are playing a part, doing it as yourself makes you feel very vunerable. Hence to go outside of my comfort zone, I would do public speaking. ARGH!! I hate it. I am going to have to get over it to become a yoga teacher. I am dreading that first standing up there in front of a class….. There are a lot of things I think about, like setting up a creative retreat, and doing large paintings, and organising a street party. And doing them would take me out of my comfort zone. Definately. I am reading a very interesting book right now, which I can send you if you like. Just because its kind of interesting in terms of getting over that initial hurdle. Like for example decorating in other colours. I bet once you started playing with colours then you would love it, but its just daunting… Do you still have my email? I will post it to you once I have finished reading it if you send me your address. I owe you a book!
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Laura Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 11:39 am
Mo: I find you so inspiring. I would love to be involved in half the things that you do..perhaps I should move to Brighton and you can bring me out of my shell, in return I’ll do your public speaking for you, lol. I would love the book, will send you my address.
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Laura: I think we were separated at birth! I could have written your post word for word (except for the creams and brown; I’m a blue sorta gal).
I worry about the same issues when we move for my husband’s retirement. In my case, I won’t have to learn another language (which is a good thing, because I’m not very good at it no matter how hard I try), but there will be other obstacles to fitting in. IF we move to Hawaii, my husband and I will be in the minority group, and we are also older, and I’m afraid it’s going to be harder to fit in (although we will still have kids in school, which will help). My husband is very outgoing, but I’m not and tend to be more of a homebody, but if I want to learn about my new location I’m going to have to step out of that comfort zone.
And while I will probably always decorate with blue somewhere, I too want to move out of my comfort zone and embrace some brighter colors. The kids will be older and I hopefully won’t have to buy something that will hide stains!
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@Laura: I love turquoise, does that count as linking blue for decorating?
It’ll definitely be an advantage not having to learn another language although I take your point that’s not the only obstacle. I think there’s issues wherever you move; when I’ve moved in the past I’ve always had young children and that makes it a lot easier to meet people….I’m sure we’ll both be fine
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I’m rather socially broken, especially around new people or at formal events – and completely shocked nearly everyone who knows me when I signed up to teach drama to teenagers one evening a week. I was always the youngest of my social circles and had maybe spoken to one teenager since I was one so it really was taking a flying leap away from my usual comfort zone, but you know what? I love it. It’s actually liberating in a way – as a tutor, I have a defined role so can transcend the normal social boundaries (especially the heavily defined ones of teenage cliques!). I find it so much easier to talk to people and relax when I have a defined role — and I’ve found that since getting involved with that theatre group, I want to do more stuff with other community groups (and I’ve noticed that most people at the group do other things too). I’m just mentioning this in case it might help you too – perhaps consider exploring the options for people-focused fun volunteer work when you get out there?
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Laura Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 7:00 am
Thanks Louisa…wow now there’s something I definitely couldn’t do: teach drama! You’re right though having a defined role makes things easier than just trying to socialise. I happily volunteer, just need to gain my ‘language’ confidence first
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You know, I used to think I was an extrovert, I could talk to anybody, and I don’t mind speaking to groups. Yet when I went thru my breakdown last year, I really realized that I was not so much an extrovert. I enjoy my time alone. I can be with people, but for short bursts of time. I am preapring to launch a speaking career, and struggle with the fact that I will have to stretch myself a bit to do so. It is good to step outside our comfort zones!
Hubby and I plan to RV around the US. I will need to brush up on my talk to people skills if we ever want to meet people while traveling!
I think that the expat groups sound like a great opportunity!
Bernice
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Laura Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 6:57 am
Bernice. Me too! I spent twenty years thinking I was extroverted, only to realise that I’m really not!
You’ll be great at a speaking career..the main thing about public speaking is knowing your subject inside out….this brings confidence. You’ll do great
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I lived in Finland for a year as an 18-year-old exchange student… a VERY hard culture to penetrate, as people simply won’t talk to you if they don’t know you (not to mention: Finnish = very difficult to learn). Really if I hadn’t had my fellow exchange students, I wouldn’t have had anyone to talk to for literally months. So my advice would be to find some fellow “exchangees” just so you have someone to compare notes with, and to get together with if you get lonely. You’ll make friends with locals eventually no matter what you do, but in the meantime, it’s good to have SOMEone to talk to. Says a fellow secret introvert (who really isn’t that secret about it anymore).
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Laura Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 6:54 am
Thanks Daphne. I’m beginning to think all secret introverts blog.
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Making friends is hard. It was hard when I was younger. Now that I have a husband and a family and a busy life, I’m hiding in the fact that I don’t have time for new friends. But if I was ever in a position where I needed or wanted some, I’d be in the same boat. I think it’s the whole letting down your guard thing that I struggle with.
Job interviews – also really scary.
But any real fears we have can be overcome, with practice, and maybe some beads of sweat.
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Laura Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 6:41 am
@Lindy. It is difficult to let your guard down. I found that ok when I was younger..now not so much. Gosh yes, I forgot how scary interviews can be..lets hope I never have to do one in Portuguese!!
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IRL friends tell me I’m SOOO extroverted – I must hide my introversion well.
But mostly, I just talk to a lot of people to try to understand and know them. But you can’t do that well superficially with tons of people. I learned to be more extroverted by living down in Texas. Now that’s a whole state full of extroverts. I found them quite overbearing at first, but learned to just love them for their openness and freedom of expression.
I tend to go towards things that have a secondary purpose – like joining teams playing sports that I enjoy, so even if I don’t make friends, I still have some benefit out of the activity in itself. Anything to do with dogs seems to be a way to make friends VERY easily – but you don’t have a dog. Book clubs maybe? Tennis club?
I’ve lived in a couple of very insular type of environments where everyone who hadn’t lived there for 50 years was an outsider – forever. The bonus is that all the people who are outsiders tend to gang together – and you’ll all have that expat thing in common as well. Plus the outsiders are usually more interesting anyway.
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Laura Reply:
May 7th, 2011 at 9:33 am
@Jacq my friends IRL would say that I’m sooo extroverted too..which I am, around my friends. Hubby plays golf so that will be a great ‘in” for him..but they’re not for me. Tennis is a good idea, perhaps I could start lessons again? Didn’t think of that!
Texas sounds cool…and friendly!
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